Monday, April 26, 2010

Stillness is Hard

I find myself with more time than I can fill these days.

It is an odd place, not one that I am used to.

Even after my surgery, I filled my time with healing, or resting. And resting is doing something I realize because now, I'm not resting, nor do I need it.

Usually, I am a busy person. Except for two short periods of time, I'm worked fulltime, usually had at least something else on the side to do like teaching or writing. Before I met Brad, I was into training for marathons, playing softball on weekends and dating.

With my ex, at one point, I was working three jobs and writing my first book on chronic pain.

Now, it seems that the stars have aligned to give me pause.

As I begin to start my private practice, I find that I have large gaps of time in my day.

It is uncomfortable to be "not busy". I realize that I have had a motor inside that pushes me to go go go. Find something to do. Don't sit still. Sitting still is lazy. Idle hands are the devil's workshop.

But busy work for the sake of business doesn't interest me right now.

Organizing my closet would be productive, but ultimately not satisfying.

Surfing the net has lost it's glamour.

So I'm wondering if the natural next step is to try to be in the quiet.

I am curious and frightened by the silence, the unknown.

Will I like it? hate it? Can I get over the need to keep moving, challenging? Today, I spent a few seconds doing nothing. It was ok. It didn't kill me.

I have been saying that I will start meditating this year. I have been avoiding it for some reason.

Life is giving me this opportunity.

This week, I will give it a chance.


Michele said...

I can so relate to this feeling you're describing. Before I ended up with RSD, I was working full-time as a teacher, part-time as a pharmacy technician, finishing up some college classes for my credential, and still managed to socialize every week and have a boyfriend for part of that time. When just getting my dishes done becomes an effort, I think back to how much I was able to accomplish in a day 10 years ago and wonder how in the heck I ever did it.

I think that the World, God....LIFE...has a way of forcing us to slow down when we don't do it for ourselves. Hopefully, you'll settle into a happy-medium where it's okay to stop and smell the roses, so to speak.

Anyway, I didn't mean to leave such a long comment. Good luck on starting your private practice! I KNOW you'll be a hug success!!!

Oh, and meditation???? I happen to know of two really fabulous CD's that you can start with! Oh,what do ya know? They're YOUR CD's, LOL!!! Still love them after all this time!

Michele said...

Me again...

I was reading a few other posts you wrote and came across the one where you tell your readers that you have cancer. I'm so very sorry that you had to go through all of that, and I hope that your surgery was a success and that you're feeling good again. My uncle got the same diagnosis about a year ago, and he chose one of the other options you mentioned....the "seeds." He doesn't want to talk about it so we don't know if it worked or not or if it's working.

Anyway, my thoughts and prayers are with you that you are cancer-free now. Also, I'm very happy for you that Brad has come into your life and that you're happy together. Finding someone that stands by your side during the rough times means you've found a very special someone.

Max said...

I'm interesting in hearing how your meditation/stillness works out; I hope you'll post an "after" blog. I have a similar block against stillness -- at least mentally. I can sit and do very little, but my mind is racing. I've never had much success with meditation because of "monkey mind."

Hope it goes well for you!