Sunday, April 26, 2009

It's just a feeling

After two months (and one week), our place finally sold. We're almost done with the details of the sale, just waiting for the buyers' financing to go through, which our realtor says won't be a problem.

Now, I'm about to take one of the biggest steps of my life- buying a house with the person I love.

I wonder if it's just me feeling all the excitement and the jitters.

I do try to mark the milestones in my life, whenever they come along, in a serious and mindful way.

It wasn't until Brad that I decided that I could commit myself, in the form of a public ceremony, to anyone, even after several long term relationships prior to him.

I also celebrated getting my degrees- undergrad, Master's and Ph.D. After all, people from my little town just didn't do those things and god knows I wasn't sure I was smart enough back then. So when I did it, each time, I was grateful and surprised.

Mindfulness was one of those concepts that once I learned about it through my studies of buddhist philosophy and meditation training, that had immediate meaning for me.

It's like standing in the center of a moment, just being there, feeling it, and not overthinking it.

It's not easy to put aside worry about what's going to happen. Not when you're from a long line of worriers, that is.

But I do have an appreciation for the big moments at least and I try to relish them.

So, I'm trying to relish this moment right now. I'm about to commit myself and my resources to this relationship with Brad so that we can own a home together.

It must seem silly to someone who got married young, took that first stepright away and began the who childbearing thing before they were old enough to know how serious it all is.

Straight people are so lucky in some ways to have a lot of the milestones kind of figured out for them. There's school and dating, and then getting engagement, having a career and then children. Maybe not in that exact order, but close enough. Yes, I know that there's pressure there, especially if you don't reach a milestone in a timely way ("What? you're 30 and still not pregnant?").

For me, I had to spend so much time detangling my brain from all the stuff I was taught that didn't really apply, that achieving milestones at all was something I celebrated.

And having a healthy relationship wasn't easy either since I didn't have one as a model growing up. When that's the case, you spend time both undoing the wrong stuff you learned about how people should treat each other and then trying to figure out what "healthy" relationships really are.

After that, it's about finding someone else who has done the work on themselves enough to want to work through it together.

So, buying a house to me isn't really about buying a house: it's about accepting the responsibility to be in love, to make a committment and to finally say to yourself "my life now is worth staying here."

Having said all that, we are looking at places.

We've had no real strategy for how we look.

Brad wants to stay in the general area, somewhere here on the Peninsula, like Redwood City, San Carlos, Belmont and maybe southern San Mateo.

We'd each like a place to park our car, and I'd LOVE an office (that's not a guest room too).

Beyond that, a view would be nice. An end unit with only one shared wall if any. An easy place to walk Ella. And maybe a large patio or small yard for flowers and veggies.

More of a feeler than a thinker, my strategy has been to walk into a place, stand there, look around and check the "gut".

For the third time, we've been hovering around a townhouse, just up the street from us.

The UP sides of this place: Spectacular hilltop view of the Bay, a room that could be a great office for me, and a dog trail close by. We both like it and would be happy there.

The DOWN sides: original kitchen, bathrooms and carpet.

The BIG down side: the owner wants about 50K more than we can afford.

Keep us in your thoughts as we hold our breath and see if we can figure out a way to make it work.

1 comment:

Jeremy said...

It is a big decision to be sure. Just wait till you see how much paperwork there is to sign! My wife is a realtor if you have any questions or just want a second opinion on something.

Your comment about milestones being different for straight people and gay people is an interesting idea that I've never thought about before.