I find myself with more time than I can fill these days.
It is an odd place, not one that I am used to.
Even after my surgery, I filled my time with healing, or resting. And resting is doing something I realize because now, I'm not resting, nor do I need it.
Usually, I am a busy person. Except for two short periods of time, I'm worked fulltime, usually had at least something else on the side to do like teaching or writing. Before I met Brad, I was into training for marathons, playing softball on weekends and Match.com dating.
With my ex, at one point, I was working three jobs and writing my first book on chronic pain.
Now, it seems that the stars have aligned to give me pause.
As I begin to start my private practice, I find that I have large gaps of time in my day.
It is uncomfortable to be "not busy". I realize that I have had a motor inside that pushes me to go go go. Find something to do. Don't sit still. Sitting still is lazy. Idle hands are the devil's workshop.
But busy work for the sake of business doesn't interest me right now.
Organizing my closet would be productive, but ultimately not satisfying.
Surfing the net has lost it's glamour.
So I'm wondering if the natural next step is to try to be in the quiet.
I am curious and frightened by the silence, the unknown.
Will I like it? hate it? Can I get over the need to keep moving, challenging? Today, I spent a few seconds doing nothing. It was ok. It didn't kill me.
I have been saying that I will start meditating this year. I have been avoiding it for some reason.
Life is giving me this opportunity.
This week, I will give it a chance.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Me and the See
It's been an interesting couple of weeks in the news for the Vatican.
First, there was a question about how much the Pope's brother, Gerog Ratzinger, knew about the abuse of boys in the choir that he led for years. His first impuse was to deny and later Ratzinger eventually admitted to, and apologized for, slapping around a few boys.
Then there was the whole explosion of media attention around the sexual abuse of children that ran rampant in the Irish Catholic Church for years and then Benedict's letter of "apology", that condemned the abuse but dodged accepting responsibility.
And over the past week, we learned that the Pope himself apparently stopped the prosecution of U.S. priest who had systematically abused children over many years and was moved from diocese to diocese without consequence into positions that gave him continued access to children.
What seems surprising to me is the continued shock that people seem to have that (a) sexual abuse is rampant in the Catholic Church and (b) the hierarchy continues to deny that there was any organizational responsibility for these crimes despite losing huge court battles and paying out major settlements to victims The incredible, award-winning documentary, Deliver Us From Evil, does an amazing job of exposing the chilling callousness with which the case of a specific serial molester was handled by those in authority, even when he admitted his crimes and at some level wished for someone to stop him.
What I've really been thinking about however is less about the abuse itself, or even making judgment about the church's decision-making when these accusations arose, but more about the man himself, Joseph Ratzinger known now as Pope Benedict XVI.
He is a curious man, born in Germany in 1927 and as the official story goes, he was "forced" to join the Hitler Youth at 14, although he an "unenthusiastic member and refused to attend meetings" according to his Wikipedia bio. He had a long career in academia, as a professor of theology before working his way into higher and higher posts within the church until he reached the pinacle on April 19th, 2005, when he was elected to succede John Paul II.
He has spent much of his tenure fighting for conservative values and a return to the belief in absolute, rather than relative truth within the church, ironically paralleling the rigid dogma he supposedly was so opposed to in the Nazi era.
Here's where I have to admit what may already be clear: what I know of the man I do not like.
From my perspective, he has been irresponsible in the way that he speaks and teaches about homosexuality. His words have provided the foundation for hate crimes and violence against people who either are gay, or are perceived to be gay. It was Hitler's goal to dehumanize Jews. It is Ratzinger's goal to pathologize gays. His words and his actions speak for themselves.
I remember when things began coming out about the magnitude of the problem of sexual abuse within the U.S. church, the first public response (after finally being forced to admit that there was even a problem) was to blur the issue of pedophilia with homosexuality. I would like to believe that this strategy was just a vestige of ignorance about homosexuals within an aging hierarchy and not just a cynical, way to distract attention away from the failings of the church itself.
Of course raising the old "all homosexuals are pedophiles" slur goes way back. Although studies have shown that the majority of pedophiles identify as heterosexual and that pedophilia is a disorder separate from one's sexual identity, iit is still a favorite of right wing politicians, and others, who need to raise money or distract from the real issues.
In fact, one could explain the Pope's homophobia in three major ways.
First, he is deeply ignorant about the current and overwhelming scientific evidence about gay people that do not support his opinion that homosexuality in and of itself is a disorder. This however, is hard to believe, given his long tenure in the academic world, surrounded by scholars and scientists who have long recognized the errors of the church's teachings.
Second, if he is therefore aware of the disconnect between science and his tortured dogma regarding sexuality, then his homophobia may be symptomatic of his own deep-seated psychosexual confusion. As I have explored before in my posts, the same sad and irrational fears that drives the Larry Craigs of the world into denial may be responsible for the inept handling of sexuality by this Pope and on a larger scale the issue of sexuality within the priesthood.
Third, and hopefully least likely, he has risen to the peak of authority within the hierarchy not because of random chance or divine inspiration, but through hard work and ambition, much like the CEO of any large organization or the President of a country. That means then, that to maintain your authority, sometimes you have to tow the line, talk the talk and protect the company. This is the most cynical of the three I realize, and may have components from the first two mixed in like some fancy cocktail.
But, for whatever reason, I want to dislike him as a person VERY, VERY much.
And then I realized that I do not know the person, I only know the image.
I know Joseph Ratzinger only through his words and his actions (and sometimes inaction as in the case of the Uganda situation), not from real life conversation or connection.
It hit me that by judging him, based only what I have read or heard, which most certainly could be biased, I am doing to him what he does to me.
The Pope does not know me.
He in fact, may not know any healthy gay people.
He may only know the closeted men in robes who also struggle with their secrets and who advise him from their own biased lives as well.
Like me, much of the time he probably avoids what he doesn't want to feel and focuses on what he believes is truth.
I'm imaging the pressure that he must be under to hold together a large organization that appears fractured to the core on the precipice of breaking apart.
Compassion for one's "enemies" is central to Christianity I've heard. I feel sorry for him, despite whatever wrong choices I believe he has made.
I wish Benedict would do the same for me.
First, there was a question about how much the Pope's brother, Gerog Ratzinger, knew about the abuse of boys in the choir that he led for years. His first impuse was to deny and later Ratzinger eventually admitted to, and apologized for, slapping around a few boys.
Then there was the whole explosion of media attention around the sexual abuse of children that ran rampant in the Irish Catholic Church for years and then Benedict's letter of "apology", that condemned the abuse but dodged accepting responsibility.
And over the past week, we learned that the Pope himself apparently stopped the prosecution of U.S. priest who had systematically abused children over many years and was moved from diocese to diocese without consequence into positions that gave him continued access to children.
What seems surprising to me is the continued shock that people seem to have that (a) sexual abuse is rampant in the Catholic Church and (b) the hierarchy continues to deny that there was any organizational responsibility for these crimes despite losing huge court battles and paying out major settlements to victims The incredible, award-winning documentary, Deliver Us From Evil, does an amazing job of exposing the chilling callousness with which the case of a specific serial molester was handled by those in authority, even when he admitted his crimes and at some level wished for someone to stop him.
What I've really been thinking about however is less about the abuse itself, or even making judgment about the church's decision-making when these accusations arose, but more about the man himself, Joseph Ratzinger known now as Pope Benedict XVI.
He is a curious man, born in Germany in 1927 and as the official story goes, he was "forced" to join the Hitler Youth at 14, although he an "unenthusiastic member and refused to attend meetings" according to his Wikipedia bio. He had a long career in academia, as a professor of theology before working his way into higher and higher posts within the church until he reached the pinacle on April 19th, 2005, when he was elected to succede John Paul II.
He has spent much of his tenure fighting for conservative values and a return to the belief in absolute, rather than relative truth within the church, ironically paralleling the rigid dogma he supposedly was so opposed to in the Nazi era.
Here's where I have to admit what may already be clear: what I know of the man I do not like.
From my perspective, he has been irresponsible in the way that he speaks and teaches about homosexuality. His words have provided the foundation for hate crimes and violence against people who either are gay, or are perceived to be gay. It was Hitler's goal to dehumanize Jews. It is Ratzinger's goal to pathologize gays. His words and his actions speak for themselves.
I remember when things began coming out about the magnitude of the problem of sexual abuse within the U.S. church, the first public response (after finally being forced to admit that there was even a problem) was to blur the issue of pedophilia with homosexuality. I would like to believe that this strategy was just a vestige of ignorance about homosexuals within an aging hierarchy and not just a cynical, way to distract attention away from the failings of the church itself.
Of course raising the old "all homosexuals are pedophiles" slur goes way back. Although studies have shown that the majority of pedophiles identify as heterosexual and that pedophilia is a disorder separate from one's sexual identity, iit is still a favorite of right wing politicians, and others, who need to raise money or distract from the real issues.
In fact, one could explain the Pope's homophobia in three major ways.
First, he is deeply ignorant about the current and overwhelming scientific evidence about gay people that do not support his opinion that homosexuality in and of itself is a disorder. This however, is hard to believe, given his long tenure in the academic world, surrounded by scholars and scientists who have long recognized the errors of the church's teachings.
Second, if he is therefore aware of the disconnect between science and his tortured dogma regarding sexuality, then his homophobia may be symptomatic of his own deep-seated psychosexual confusion. As I have explored before in my posts, the same sad and irrational fears that drives the Larry Craigs of the world into denial may be responsible for the inept handling of sexuality by this Pope and on a larger scale the issue of sexuality within the priesthood.
Third, and hopefully least likely, he has risen to the peak of authority within the hierarchy not because of random chance or divine inspiration, but through hard work and ambition, much like the CEO of any large organization or the President of a country. That means then, that to maintain your authority, sometimes you have to tow the line, talk the talk and protect the company. This is the most cynical of the three I realize, and may have components from the first two mixed in like some fancy cocktail.
But, for whatever reason, I want to dislike him as a person VERY, VERY much.
And then I realized that I do not know the person, I only know the image.
I know Joseph Ratzinger only through his words and his actions (and sometimes inaction as in the case of the Uganda situation), not from real life conversation or connection.
It hit me that by judging him, based only what I have read or heard, which most certainly could be biased, I am doing to him what he does to me.
The Pope does not know me.
He in fact, may not know any healthy gay people.
He may only know the closeted men in robes who also struggle with their secrets and who advise him from their own biased lives as well.
Like me, much of the time he probably avoids what he doesn't want to feel and focuses on what he believes is truth.
I'm imaging the pressure that he must be under to hold together a large organization that appears fractured to the core on the precipice of breaking apart.
Compassion for one's "enemies" is central to Christianity I've heard. I feel sorry for him, despite whatever wrong choices I believe he has made.
I wish Benedict would do the same for me.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Taking Time to Heal
I have truly missed blogging for these last few months although I have been keeping a private journal just for my own sanity I guess.
I owe it to my readers to 'splain.
About May of last year, with health insurance costs rising and services provided diminishing, I opted to switch my insurance to Kaiser. I was a healthy guy after all, in reasonable shape for my age and no history of smoking or abusing my body otherwise.
I made a special effort to find a gay-friendly physician within the network, whom I decided to see for a routine physical, as a way of getting to know him and setting a baseline.
I really like how Kaiser uses email and online communication to get you your results by the way. Love being able to email my doctors whenever I want and they personally respond, usually within 24 hours.
I see the doctor who does the typical exam, lab work, etc. and within a week, my cholesterol and electrolytes results were posted in my online account and everything looked just peachy keen.
So a week goes by, and I think it's all good, and as I'm walking in the door from work, the phone is ringing. It's my doc who says that one of my blood tests has come back with an elevation, the PSA. I'm a little embarrassed to say that I had no idea what a PSA test was and that I had even had one done. He explains that PSA stands for Prostate Specific Antigen test and can be elevated with benign prostate enlargement, a prostate infection, or it can indicate the presence of prostate cancer. He tells me not to worry because it would be unusual at my age (under 50) for it to be cancer, but that he's referring me to the urology department for followup exam.
Two weeks later, I see the urologist who does a manual exam and who also reassures me that she doesn't feel any abnormal growths or enlargement, but maybe just a little "firmness". When she hears that my mother had a fairly aggressive form of breast cancer, she prods me a little to go ahead with a biopsy in another couple of weeks. I agree, but I'm still thinking that this is all just a bunch of excitement over what will be nothing.
The biopsy, scheduled as a separate appointment is not pleasant but not horrible, basically involving an ultrasound and then a series of about 12 quick bee stings, which aren't too bad after the local anesthetic injection. All done and I go home. There is some mild discomfort and blood later, which goes away eventually.
I go about my life again, barely even thinking about what I've just been through.
A week later, my phone rings at work and it's the urologist. "We have the results" she says, "and they came back positive for cancer."
As is my pattern for facing big stressors, I go numb. I remember vaguely that she tries to reassure me that it "looks like it's very early stage" and "the cure rates are excellent". She tells me to take a few days to absorb it all, talk to Brad and then come in for a face to face appointment with her to discuss the options.
As we hang up, I pinch myself in my brain. "She just said I have cancer," I remember thinking, still stunned.
I call Brad and haltingly repeat what she said. He's quiet for a moment and just says, "I'm sorry honey, but we'll get through this." My rock.
Over the next few months, I visit five different specialists. I find out that I have a range of options, which is great. I can have external radiation everyday for two months, or radioactive "seeds" implanted once. Or, I can have the thing removed through open traditional surgery or with the newer robot-assisted surgery. After weeks of advice, research and discussion, I decide on the robotic prostatectomy and on the surgeon I like the most. The research suggests that surgeons with more experience have better outcomes and I find one that I like personally. He's done 150 of them and he has a sense of humor. I think I'll need that.
February 9th this year, I entered the hospital and on February 10th I leave the hospital, sans prostate and sans cancer.
I am at home now recovering. My body is healing. The postop report was excellent.
Removing the prostate is a little more complicated than say, removing the appendix. The nerves in the area serve multiple functions and in some people the nerves never return to normal again. I'm sending good thoughts to my nerves everyday.
Now I face the future and I wait and I try to be patient.
There has to be meaning in this experience and I want to discern it.
For now, there are deep breaths and taking one day at a time.
I owe it to my readers to 'splain.
About May of last year, with health insurance costs rising and services provided diminishing, I opted to switch my insurance to Kaiser. I was a healthy guy after all, in reasonable shape for my age and no history of smoking or abusing my body otherwise.
I made a special effort to find a gay-friendly physician within the network, whom I decided to see for a routine physical, as a way of getting to know him and setting a baseline.
I really like how Kaiser uses email and online communication to get you your results by the way. Love being able to email my doctors whenever I want and they personally respond, usually within 24 hours.
I see the doctor who does the typical exam, lab work, etc. and within a week, my cholesterol and electrolytes results were posted in my online account and everything looked just peachy keen.
So a week goes by, and I think it's all good, and as I'm walking in the door from work, the phone is ringing. It's my doc who says that one of my blood tests has come back with an elevation, the PSA. I'm a little embarrassed to say that I had no idea what a PSA test was and that I had even had one done. He explains that PSA stands for Prostate Specific Antigen test and can be elevated with benign prostate enlargement, a prostate infection, or it can indicate the presence of prostate cancer. He tells me not to worry because it would be unusual at my age (under 50) for it to be cancer, but that he's referring me to the urology department for followup exam.
Two weeks later, I see the urologist who does a manual exam and who also reassures me that she doesn't feel any abnormal growths or enlargement, but maybe just a little "firmness". When she hears that my mother had a fairly aggressive form of breast cancer, she prods me a little to go ahead with a biopsy in another couple of weeks. I agree, but I'm still thinking that this is all just a bunch of excitement over what will be nothing.
The biopsy, scheduled as a separate appointment is not pleasant but not horrible, basically involving an ultrasound and then a series of about 12 quick bee stings, which aren't too bad after the local anesthetic injection. All done and I go home. There is some mild discomfort and blood later, which goes away eventually.
I go about my life again, barely even thinking about what I've just been through.
A week later, my phone rings at work and it's the urologist. "We have the results" she says, "and they came back positive for cancer."
As is my pattern for facing big stressors, I go numb. I remember vaguely that she tries to reassure me that it "looks like it's very early stage" and "the cure rates are excellent". She tells me to take a few days to absorb it all, talk to Brad and then come in for a face to face appointment with her to discuss the options.
As we hang up, I pinch myself in my brain. "She just said I have cancer," I remember thinking, still stunned.
I call Brad and haltingly repeat what she said. He's quiet for a moment and just says, "I'm sorry honey, but we'll get through this." My rock.
Over the next few months, I visit five different specialists. I find out that I have a range of options, which is great. I can have external radiation everyday for two months, or radioactive "seeds" implanted once. Or, I can have the thing removed through open traditional surgery or with the newer robot-assisted surgery. After weeks of advice, research and discussion, I decide on the robotic prostatectomy and on the surgeon I like the most. The research suggests that surgeons with more experience have better outcomes and I find one that I like personally. He's done 150 of them and he has a sense of humor. I think I'll need that.
February 9th this year, I entered the hospital and on February 10th I leave the hospital, sans prostate and sans cancer.
I am at home now recovering. My body is healing. The postop report was excellent.
Removing the prostate is a little more complicated than say, removing the appendix. The nerves in the area serve multiple functions and in some people the nerves never return to normal again. I'm sending good thoughts to my nerves everyday.
Now I face the future and I wait and I try to be patient.
There has to be meaning in this experience and I want to discern it.
For now, there are deep breaths and taking one day at a time.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Colbert Destroys R.I. Governor For Denying Gay Couples Death Rights (VIDEO)
Wow bmathers! First, I have to commend you on your honesty about your personal discomfort around gays and about the beliefs that you have about gays that are responsible for those feelings.
Honesty is a good start.
I have to admit that I too had a secret fear...being around someone who boldly calls him or herself a "Christian". In my experience, many Christians are extremely hypocritical, preaching one thing and acting completely the opposite. Many Christians use their status to justify every bit of hatred and ignorance that they hold. Most Christians that I've met only hold a very superficial understanding of the Bible and do not follow even the most basic of his lessons, including "love they neighbor as thyself" or "judge ye not lest ye be judged". I have seen people who fervantly proclaim the gospel of Christ while doing horrible things to innocent children and adults.
However, I have learned over the years that actually, not all Christians are like that. Some Christian truly are kind, compassionate and loving people. A few are able to transcend the popular, self-serving version of the Bible and find within it a way to live peacefully with other people, without the need to judge or stereotype. I am proud to call them friends.
It was scary at first to step outside of the box of fears, irrational beliefs and even personal experiences with religious zealots, but ultimately was worth it.
I hope you consider doing the same.
About Stephen Colbert
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost
Thursday, November 12, 2009
PC Update
No, this isn't about the "PC" making the round on the talk shows about whether the military was being too "politically correct" in the case of Nidal Malik Hasan, the alleged Ft. Hood shooter, when they didn't reprimand him for bad performance on the job severely enough in the past because he was Muslim.
Come on. I just didn't imagine that 2009 would be the year of the neo-racist!
I probably should have thought a little more about it like Jimmy Carter did and realized that electing a black President, no matter how smart or qualified or handsome (yes, I said it..he's hot!), he symbolizes everything that racist whites have been fearing for years. The "takeover" of America by nonwhites who will then pay us back for years of not minding our own "stewardship" very well as the majority race.
And for eight years, the fires of hatred and fear were stoked daily by the Bush-Cheney-Rove machine to maintain control and power.
No, this PC is not about all that today.
It's the thing that's been on my mind the most lately. Protracted constipation...
Kidding...my prostate of course.
You know, for a little guy that I hardly ever used to think about, he's managed to make himself known in a big way over the past few weeks.
Come to think of it, he's kinda like the Ft. Hood shooter afterall, going from obscurity to the objection of all attention.
He's acted up in a bad, bad way and now he must die for it.
My quandry is whether I should give him the death penalthy by radioactive injection, where he dies a slow death over time, or we anesthetize him and cut him out within a matter of hours.
Or, I could put him on parole, and just actively surveille him with checkups every three months to check his behavior and a full on parole board meeting once a year. Maybe he won't act up again? Hmmm, but who's responsible for him if he breaks parole and really spreads the damage around?
Hard to really have straightforward feelings at this point. Lots (too much) of information but no definitive answers.
It feels a little like that sensation you get when you've just rounded the top of the rollercoaster and you're just about to go flying down.
Come on. I just didn't imagine that 2009 would be the year of the neo-racist!
I probably should have thought a little more about it like Jimmy Carter did and realized that electing a black President, no matter how smart or qualified or handsome (yes, I said it..he's hot!), he symbolizes everything that racist whites have been fearing for years. The "takeover" of America by nonwhites who will then pay us back for years of not minding our own "stewardship" very well as the majority race.
And for eight years, the fires of hatred and fear were stoked daily by the Bush-Cheney-Rove machine to maintain control and power.
No, this PC is not about all that today.
It's the thing that's been on my mind the most lately. Protracted constipation...
Kidding...my prostate of course.
You know, for a little guy that I hardly ever used to think about, he's managed to make himself known in a big way over the past few weeks.
Come to think of it, he's kinda like the Ft. Hood shooter afterall, going from obscurity to the objection of all attention.
He's acted up in a bad, bad way and now he must die for it.
My quandry is whether I should give him the death penalthy by radioactive injection, where he dies a slow death over time, or we anesthetize him and cut him out within a matter of hours.
Or, I could put him on parole, and just actively surveille him with checkups every three months to check his behavior and a full on parole board meeting once a year. Maybe he won't act up again? Hmmm, but who's responsible for him if he breaks parole and really spreads the damage around?
Hard to really have straightforward feelings at this point. Lots (too much) of information but no definitive answers.
It feels a little like that sensation you get when you've just rounded the top of the rollercoaster and you're just about to go flying down.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Living in the Moment
When I'm teaching my wellness classes, I spend a lot of time talking about living in the moment.
It sounds so good and makes so much sense.
All you really have is now, so fretting about what hasn't happened yet, or something traumatic from the past, is pretty much wasted time.
Mindfulness meditation is so rewarding when you practice regularly, but it's hard for me to maintain because of the demands of everyday living.
It is something that I want to add to my life again. I think it would be especially beneficial now.
I can feel so much emotion just beneath the surface- a lot of trapped fears just waiting for the right moment to express themselves.
But I don't have enough information yet to feel rationally. I haven't heard from all the experts, or done enough reading.
I want to feel sad that I have to make a serious life-changing decision, sooner than later.
I want to feel anxious that time is running out.
I want to feel anger that I have yet another obstacle in my way.
But, my belief is that there is a reason for everything. It is not mine to question, but to accept with grace.
That is especially hard when those feelings want to show up and ruin my peace.
For now, I am going to try to look around at what I have to be grateful for...Brad, this place, a job in a bad economy, good health when I need it to bear what's next.
Don't panic, I think to myself.
It is, what it is.
It sounds so good and makes so much sense.
All you really have is now, so fretting about what hasn't happened yet, or something traumatic from the past, is pretty much wasted time.
Mindfulness meditation is so rewarding when you practice regularly, but it's hard for me to maintain because of the demands of everyday living.
It is something that I want to add to my life again. I think it would be especially beneficial now.
I can feel so much emotion just beneath the surface- a lot of trapped fears just waiting for the right moment to express themselves.
But I don't have enough information yet to feel rationally. I haven't heard from all the experts, or done enough reading.
I want to feel sad that I have to make a serious life-changing decision, sooner than later.
I want to feel anxious that time is running out.
I want to feel anger that I have yet another obstacle in my way.
But, my belief is that there is a reason for everything. It is not mine to question, but to accept with grace.
That is especially hard when those feelings want to show up and ruin my peace.
For now, I am going to try to look around at what I have to be grateful for...Brad, this place, a job in a bad economy, good health when I need it to bear what's next.
Don't panic, I think to myself.
It is, what it is.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Also Means Opportunity
I've been taking a break from the blogging for a while.
Some things have come up and, well, sitting down to write hasn't been either convenient or something I felt the morivation to do.
The house has taken a lot of energy, but in a good way. Our first home together, my first home of my own, has been an endless joy of sweat and aching. I've watched too many "how to" videos on YouTube and WAY too much HGTV and DIY channels!
This year has been amazing in so many ways.
And it ws the year I discovered that I had prostate cancer.
If you are a friend or family person who did not know until now, I apologize.
I'm not exactly sure what the etiquette is for telling people about such things. I've tried to call or email as many people as I could, although I do wonder why exactly I am doing so. I mean it's kind of awkward for me and them and really, what can they say? I still have a bit of leftover something from my past that wants me to avoid pity or sympathy or attention about these kinds of things. Icky describes it well.
Another weird part of it all is that I have no symptoms. I changed insurances and decided to see my new primary care doc for a physical. He ran a PSA test and it came back elevated.
From there I was referred to a urologist who thought my prostate felt firm and recommended a biopsy.
A week afterwards, my phone rings while I'm at work and Dr. White shares the results that I have cancer.
I'm in shock for a couple of days after I think. It just doesn't register.
Now, three weeks later, I've seen a radiologist and have three appointments coming up with surgeons to talk about treatment options.
The good news is that it's early and curable.
The bad news is that all the treatment options carry risk of complications.
As the Chinese say, "Crisis also means opportunity".
I guess I have to make the most of it.
Some things have come up and, well, sitting down to write hasn't been either convenient or something I felt the morivation to do.
The house has taken a lot of energy, but in a good way. Our first home together, my first home of my own, has been an endless joy of sweat and aching. I've watched too many "how to" videos on YouTube and WAY too much HGTV and DIY channels!
This year has been amazing in so many ways.
And it ws the year I discovered that I had prostate cancer.
If you are a friend or family person who did not know until now, I apologize.
I'm not exactly sure what the etiquette is for telling people about such things. I've tried to call or email as many people as I could, although I do wonder why exactly I am doing so. I mean it's kind of awkward for me and them and really, what can they say? I still have a bit of leftover something from my past that wants me to avoid pity or sympathy or attention about these kinds of things. Icky describes it well.
Another weird part of it all is that I have no symptoms. I changed insurances and decided to see my new primary care doc for a physical. He ran a PSA test and it came back elevated.
From there I was referred to a urologist who thought my prostate felt firm and recommended a biopsy.
A week afterwards, my phone rings while I'm at work and Dr. White shares the results that I have cancer.
I'm in shock for a couple of days after I think. It just doesn't register.
Now, three weeks later, I've seen a radiologist and have three appointments coming up with surgeons to talk about treatment options.
The good news is that it's early and curable.
The bad news is that all the treatment options carry risk of complications.
As the Chinese say, "Crisis also means opportunity".
I guess I have to make the most of it.
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